Last week, someone I know died in a tragic car accident. I was not close to this person, but I did know him and am close to his wife. It was/is very troubling news for me because this is the 3rd time in little more than a year that the husband of a friend has died in tragic and unsuspecting ways.
I say tragic and unsuspecting because none of these men were physically ill in such a way that would lead you to believe they were soon to pass. I mention all of this because I've found that responses and reactions to these deaths rather odd. People say and do strange things when confronted with a sudden death. The most common odd response (yes, I realize that is a slight oxymoron) is when someone says "I just talked to him/her" as if the fact that you were just in contact makes it any more surprising that this person has died.
Why do we say such things? I don't know about you, but I think we say weird things because we feel like we have to say something and aren't quite sure what to say. "I'm sorry", which seems pretty standard, seems like such a weak offering in the scheme of things, doesn't it? There are some that say "I know how hard this must be" and all I have to say is do you really? I mean, how can you know. Have you lost your best friend, your lover, your partner? Even if you have, you are totally different people from others and have no idea about the ins and outs of that relationship.
Every person is different and each of us faces death and comes to grips with it in our own ways. Having lost my share of friends and family, I can only offer this advice to others, be there for that person in the best way you can, and sometimes that means saying nothing at all.
To my friends who have recently lost, let me just say this, you are all amazing women with a strength I can't even begin to understand and you have dealt with your tragedies with such grace that I can only hope that others appreciate how strong you are.
There are some very "odd reactions" to sudden death, you are correct! I am one of the women you spoke of, and I had to add, please try to refrain from asking what you can do for the grieving widow. At Mike's funeral, I swear, had one more person asked me that question, I would have replied, "Bring him back...can you do that?" Be there, and let them know you are available, but "Sorry for your loss" and "What can I do?" etc... get to be too much. As for your friend who just lost her husband, my heart goes out to her. I have been there, and still can not put into words the exact feelings involved in losing a spouse. Broken is about all I can say. You feel broken, in every way possible. Be there for her, as you were there for me, and she will have at least one rock steady friend to lean on.
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